How to shop in Asia

Here are a few tips for all you African women out there that love the word 'shopping' that has nothing to do with vegetables and fruit. Yes, you Chanel, I'm talking to you. You'll need to know this before you decide you need to get yourself some Nine West shoes.

1. Do not even think about buying a Chinese dress that fits. By fits I mean fits your lower body as well as it fits your upper body. See, Chinese people are not as endowed as we full figured African women. They've got smaller bodies, smaller sizes in everything, and especially small behinds. What you need to do is get an XXL dress, make sure the high slits don't go right above your hips and on to your waist, and don't care if the upper body is six sizes too big. Then take it to a tailor and get it tailor-made to suit you. You might wear it and not look exactly Chinese but like a fortune cookie gone wrong in an oven but hey, you're appreciative of the culture right?

2. Always ask for the biggest shoe size they have. As soon as you see those cute red Manolos that you'd die to get, ask them in the biggest size they have. If it is a size 6, even if you do wear size 6, don't try to squeeze your foot in there. Apparently the Good Lord saw it fit to give Asians very small feet so they can walk around real fast, faster than we Africans. Have you seen how them Japanese people walk so fast you wonder about their heart rates? It's the tiny feet I tell you.

3. Ok, forget about buying dresses at all. I talked about Chinese dresses but get your eyes off of dresses period. Yes, even those slinky ones that would be a show stopper in Kampala. They won't fit. No they don't have your size, remember they don't have your badoinkadoink either. I unfortunately did not look into trousers but I bet you'd have to get a few sizes bigger than you're used to like I had to do with the skirts. I'm sure the tops will fit an African bosom just fine, it's the bottom that's the problem. So unless you don't mind straight skirts that ride up when you walk, you're welcome to buy skirts in Asia.

4. Buy large underwear. Woman, don't argue with me, I know you wear a size S but in Asia honey you're a size L. If you want your thong not to get lost where no man should go, buy yourself a large one. Size small in Asia is a totally different thing from size small in Africa. In fact, just hold up that low rise boy-short panty and tell me if you'll even fit in a medium. Doesn't it look like it's a baby's panty? I told you, so listen to the voice of reason and experience and not have to hand over all your new underwear to your little sister. Do I have to give a reason here?

5. Be prepared to settle for handbags and jewellery. See, India especially is known for its intricate work when it comes to silks, woolen pieces, and jewellery. So invest in that kind of beauty and forget fitting in their clothes. You might as well call it a handbag shopping spree cuz that's all you'll be getting that's totally great.

I'm done. I had some pictures of me in a really cute trench coat dress whose buttons could not tie below my waist even when they brought me a size large but then they're unclear cuz the sales lady was intent on making a sale and kept checking on me in the changing room I felt like I was stealing their designs if she saw the flash of the camera. God bless you all.